I’ve been dormant. On the blog, that is.
In real life, a lot has happened, actually.
For those of you who don’t know me in the real world, I took a new job. It’s still working in the same field, but the company I’ll be working for will be paying me *much* more appropriately, and the folks that I know who went from working with me at the old job to this new employer absolutely love working for them, which gives me hope.
I start this Thursday, and I really look forward to seeing what this new group can throw at me.
This is wonderful news for my infertility battle, obviously. Expenses don’t run cheap, as any of you fighting the good baby fight would know. It’s also great news for my credit card bills, myriad of student loan payments, and several medical bills that need to be paid off.
In fact, I feel like I’ve almost been offered a fresh start! If I’d been offered this much money to teach piano and voice lessons out of my house, I’d have been happy and set for the rest of my life.
Oh, if only.
I also welcomed a new niece yesterday. She’s beautiful….. a vision of perfection. 10 fingers, 10 toes, a butt chin, and a tiny little button nose. She took to nursing right away, and seems to only cry when she’s getting her diaper changed.
I’m babysitting the new niece’s sister right now, who is 21-months old. When we brought her to visit her new sister for the first time, she seemed most distraught when watching her sister cry. I grabbed her up into my arms so she could see that her daddy was, in fact, not hurting her sister, but just changing her diaper, just like he’d done with her many times.
When we got back to my sister’s place, I went to change my niece’s diaper, and she started making a “baby crying” sound…… not real crying, mind you, but more of an intentional “wah! wah!” sound.
It cracked me up.
She already can identify her ABC’s by picking them out of a lineup. She can count from 1-10 (when prompted with each, of course), and she’s in the stage where she repeats everything the people around her say. (Forever to my detriment, I’m afraid, as I cuss like a sailor.) She looks just dandy in her pigtails, and if I get up and move away from her for some reason, she looks up at me and says, “Aubbie! Aubbie!”
If you can’t tell, I love my niece very much.
Sometimes, I wonder if there will be room in my heart for my own children after loving my sister’s children so much. I wonder if I should even bother having children of my own, since hers are such wonderful proxy children, and I do ever SO much love to sleep in and stay out late and travel.
But then I read my niece her two stories (which she’s so brilliantly parlayed into three stories, since I’m a sucker), I tuck her in with her pacifier, and sing her several lullabies, and I’m hooked. I hold my freshly-popped niece in my arms, who smells of everything good in this world and has suck marks on her skin from sucking her arms in-utero, and is desperate to get her own hands in her mouth, and it’s as if nothing else exists. There is nothing else but these sweet children.
I can’t imagine anything that could possibly compete with that.
In life, there are things that are thrown at us that we cannot control.
My sister was on some form of birth control when she got pregnant with this second beauty, and I’m sure was wondering how she’d manage when the baby came with two kids under two. And yet, she’s handling everything with ease and grace. She also had planned for a VBAC, but baby wasn’t hearing it. Her due date came and went, and six days later, we’ve welcomed a new baby via Cesarean Section to the family.
I would love nothing more than to have a brood of children. I’ve struggled with infertility for almost 5 years. But I’m the luckiest Aunt in the world.
Point being? All is well. Nothing is as we’d originally thought.
For the last few months, I’ve been peeing on sticks more than I care to admit, but have had some heartening results. I’m getting an LH surge on Day 21, typically, which is very good. I’ve had multiple ultrasounds, and each has showed a better result. My follicles, from what I can remember, are growing to 12 and 14 millimeters, which isn’t *great*, but it’s certainly a start.
There’s so much about this that I still don’t understand. So much that I’m unsure of, and I learn something new almost everyday. I still get a little down in the dumps about it some days, sure. I’m not, at this moment, pregnant. It will probably be awhile until I am.
In the meantime? I just watched the sun rise. I hear the faint cries of my niece, who has just arisen to this beautiful new day, and we’re going to make the best of it. I’d recommend that you do the same.